I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
