i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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