My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
