Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
