I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
