In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
