So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
