Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
