i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
