it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
