is your mom at the bar?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
