Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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