About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
