I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
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When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
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Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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