I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Randomize
