good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
