his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Watching her eat just hurts me
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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