i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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