i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
