Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
