yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
