:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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