His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
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she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
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barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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