I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
