My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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