He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
