watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
