You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
