you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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