Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
