Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
