no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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