I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
