She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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