My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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