your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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