please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
