Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
