I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
