a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
