I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
