Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
