Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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