i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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