I want you more than these girls want KFC
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
