Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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