the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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