I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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