my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
