I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
