why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
