Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My balls are so social today.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
