my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
