Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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