dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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