Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
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She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
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Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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