I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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