turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just forgot I was standing up.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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